Butt wipe

I’m inspired this morning…I’ve been awake since 5.30 am. It’s not that amazing really. I’m used to getting up early for work… Being a brickie, entails getting up at God forsaken hours to earn one’s honest crust: Courtesy of mortgage, rent or bladder pressures… However those days are on a hiatus whilst I deal with my hiatus hernia and a myriad of ailments I will not thrust upon you.

It’s whipping a gale outside this morning, and although the sun is out and sparkly. I’ve decided to hole up in my den…whilst not actually being a den per say.. it’s more of a single garage turned music room with an array boxes , ladders and other domestic crud we fill our lives with.

But that won’t perturb me, I’m going to write at least a page of nonsense for the day. I had an inkling to do something different this morning… I get those urges  occasionally…

Let’s start the day off differently I thought.. what is something that is way out of left field.. I never sit for long on whilst doing my morning ablutions. I’m an up and at em sort of guy on the toilet seat. No reading or doing crossword puzzles, no playing games on my phone.  No checking out emails and definitely no OOR WULLIE book perusing ( my wife likes him and THE BROON’S).If you are Scottish you’ll know what i’m rattling on about… anyway getting back to my prattling.

 ( I may end up with some Scottish words creeping into my vocabulary  since I’ve mentioned The Broon’s and oor Wullie. ..the result of being a born again Scotsman.

So ..I thought let’s start the day off differently.. I thought about shaving my face from the left to right for a change..nahh , I shaved last night… What about parting my hair on the other side of my head..nah, Are you CRAZY!!..nah that didn’t appeal either. I realized that I was after all sitting on the Cludgie (lavvy, W.C.) and procrastinating. Let’s not encourage haemorrhoids…No one wants to go there..

So… after a bit of soul searching, weighing up the pro’s and con’s about nothing. I came up with a plan…The most devious evil cunning plan…( oops. Just thinking of a movie there for a moment…Don’t tell me you don’t do that…) anyway the plan for today was to start right away…something different

Let’s wipe my butt with my other hand, I said… It just came into my head…why not I thought, no one will have to know, but I will have done something new…

  now I don’t care if you are a scruncher or a folder… but ..let me tell you… This is no easy task!!! Almost impossible I’d say!… the maneuvering, the dabbing, twisting and exertion!!!  I nearly had to sit down and start again.

 Palpitations and there may have been some cursing. I nearly fainted with the exhaustion…

You may find the need for a back massage or chiro treatment, perhaps a trip to the physio or even emergency. As for me.. a slight back strain and skid mark half way up my back was enough to call the whole thing off… Thank God for long warm showers.

Anyway have a good day…we’ll talk soon

Disclaimer: these ramblings were the figment of my imagination on a cold winter morning in Wollongong . Don’t try this at home or in public